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jasonandrewI can’t actually believe I have to post something like this.
OK, that’s technically a lie. There’s nothing making me post this, except a desire to pass along information and to engage in not so subtle mocking.
I’ve been to enough conventions to see very unhappy and socially awkward men and women. If nothing else, perhaps I can help horny young men and women continue the geek circle of life.
Finding a special lady friend at a convention without being the creepy stalker guy or using a button can be painless if you know the proper steps to take.
I wrote this based on my several years of experience of being a polite con flirt and my own complete and utter failures. Mastery of these concepts is how I met my wife and we’ve been together almost ten years now.
These rules apply to both men and women, but in general the worse offenders are men.
I’m including a Social Powergaming Benefits section to explain the benefits of polite behavior for the socially maladjusted.
NOTE: My wife has vetted this process so at least one female convention visitor has vetted these instructions. Caution: Follow these rules at your own risk.
Rule #1: Soap is thy friend.
Your knight costume might look awesome, but after 1 pm, you will start to sweat. Use deodorant. Cologne and perfume does not mask sweat. In fact, it can make it worse.
I don’t care if you have to borrow a friend’s shower, make sure you visit the soap once a day. Women have a sharper sense of smell than men. You might not think you stink, but after a day of hard con-going you do.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Soap and showering is like a +1 bonus to your charisma with little effort.
Rule #2: Master the Body-Space Bubble.
We all have a comfort zone with people we don’t know. If you don’t know where the bubble is stick out your arm. That’s your body-bubble.
If someone is interested in you, they will invite you into their body-space bubble. They will let you know it is ok to be in their personal space.
Don’t try to sneak your way into the body-space bubble by offering a back rub. You aren’t fooling anyone and that sort of thing never gets you where you want to go.
By respecting the body-space bubble, you are respecting the other person.
Social Powergaming Benefits: When Dracula enters a house uninvited, all of his flaws can be used against him. Likewise, if you violate a body-space bubble, every flaw you have will become apparent. Do not enter the body-space bubble until you are invited to do so or all is lost.
Rule #3: Look for Negative Body Language.
Body language will tell you if the other person is interested in you. We’re all programmed biologically to send off clues to potential mates. [Again, see Rule #1]
If the object of your intentions is standing with her arms crossed, she’s not interested in you. That is her lowering the booty gates. She or he feels the need to be on the defensive because you are making them uncomfortable.
If she’s not looking directly into your eyes or face, she’s uncomfortable talking to you because you are being That Guy.
Is she purposely turning her body away from you? That’s her polite way of saying, it isn’t going to happen.
Social Powergaming Benefits: The more random encounters you face, the more likely it is that you will find one with the treasure type you are seeking. If one person isn’t interested in you, it isn’t the end of the quest. Enjoy the social experience.
Rule #4: Allowing Retreating and Feints.
Sometimes, the object of your desire just isn’t interested, but doesn’t want to be rude. If that is the case, she will often make an excuse to cover a retreat.
If she is interested in you, she will offer a way for you to remain in each other’s company or a way for you to meet again.
It is acceptable to make a single suggestion of getting together later. Let her know which panel or party you plan on going to. In fact, it will give the object of your desire time to consider you. Or she might just be shy. But if she finds a reason not to meet with you and doesn’t come up with a counter suggest, she’s just not into you.
Otherwise, accept the situation and move on.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Politely accepting tactical retreats can be to your benefit. Remember that it takes a lot time to earn faction reputation points and just a few moments to lose it all.
There is equally a secondary benefit to gracefully accepting a rejection. If you prove yourself to be a worthy and mature person, your faction reputation can increase. As your reputation increases, you gain additional benefits from that faction including possible invitations to parties, third-party set-ups, and friendships.
Rule #5: Understanding Positive Body Language.
If the object of your desire is interested in you, she will let you know. Her body will be relaxed. Her torso will be pointed towards you. She may even be smiling or laughing. She will make eye contact with you. She might even invite you into her body-space bubble by offering you a hug or touching your forearm.
Watch for reflective body language. If your arms are crossed, she might also cross her arms, not out of hostility but out of matching your body language. Be aware of your own body language in this situation.
This isn’t a charge call. Don’t saddle up and trample over the possibilities. Enjoy the moment. This is a dance. Your partner will lead you to where she might wish to go.
Social Powergaming Benefits: If you understand the signals for spell casting, you can figure out what spell a wizard might throw at you. Likewise, if you study body language, you can figure out what you partner might be interested in and what she might throw at you.
Rule #6: Conversations For Dumbasses.
In the best of all possible worlds, you have found someone special and she is interested in you. You have used soap and smell nice. The pheromones are raging and you are feeling funny in your private parts.
You might be tempted to invite your new friend back to your room. Or worse, accept her offer to go back to her room.
This is a mistake.
First, you need to have a real conversation. You’ve already discussed your mutual appreciation of Draco/Harry fanfiction and the subtle slash of Optimus Prime and Megatron.
Now, it is time to discuss real life, boundaries, and relationships. Yes, you need to do this even if you have no intention of seeing this person after the convention. You don’t know what her expectations are.
Find out if your partner is in a relationship. The last thing you want to do is have a very large man burst into the room while you are in mid-coitus and then say “Hey! You never let me do that.”
Of course, that’s just a random example I completely made up. It never happened to me. And that guy never asked me if I was bi-sexual or into sharing.
You should find out if the object of your desire has unusual sexual interests. If you aren’t into flogging someone and pretend that you are, you will get very bored quickly and ruin the experience.
If nothing else, talking about sex is hot. Talking about sex with someone you plan to have sex with is even hotter.
Hint: If she’s wearing a collar, she might be in a special relationship with someone and expect you to ask permission to spend quality time with her from her Dom. This can be socially awkward, but it is better in this case to ask permission. If you can’t handle that, it is better to avoid the whole situation.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Talking to your potential partner adds +5 to your saving throw against STDs. In addition, always go into battle wearing your armor.
Rule #7: The Jaws of Defeat.
The biggest mistake that you can make is to let defeat get to you. You might not find someone that night, but it isn’t the end of the world. Enjoy the experience.
Getting drunk and weeping how no one will ever love you or touch your naughty bits is a sign that all of your potential partners will understand to mean that they should never-ever have sex with you.
Complaining that you can’t get laid tells others that you are completely undesirable and makes even your friends not want to be around you.
Pity fucks are a myth like unicorns.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Always keep your faction points in mind during social occasions. Remember, with the internet available, people remember shames much longer. Don’t be that guy that gets mention in livejournal.
OK, that’s technically a lie. There’s nothing making me post this, except a desire to pass along information and to engage in not so subtle mocking.
I’ve been to enough conventions to see very unhappy and socially awkward men and women. If nothing else, perhaps I can help horny young men and women continue the geek circle of life.
Finding a special lady friend at a convention without being the creepy stalker guy or using a button can be painless if you know the proper steps to take.
I wrote this based on my several years of experience of being a polite con flirt and my own complete and utter failures. Mastery of these concepts is how I met my wife and we’ve been together almost ten years now.
These rules apply to both men and women, but in general the worse offenders are men.
I’m including a Social Powergaming Benefits section to explain the benefits of polite behavior for the socially maladjusted.
NOTE: My wife has vetted this process so at least one female convention visitor has vetted these instructions. Caution: Follow these rules at your own risk.
Rule #1: Soap is thy friend.
Your knight costume might look awesome, but after 1 pm, you will start to sweat. Use deodorant. Cologne and perfume does not mask sweat. In fact, it can make it worse.
I don’t care if you have to borrow a friend’s shower, make sure you visit the soap once a day. Women have a sharper sense of smell than men. You might not think you stink, but after a day of hard con-going you do.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Soap and showering is like a +1 bonus to your charisma with little effort.
Rule #2: Master the Body-Space Bubble.
We all have a comfort zone with people we don’t know. If you don’t know where the bubble is stick out your arm. That’s your body-bubble.
If someone is interested in you, they will invite you into their body-space bubble. They will let you know it is ok to be in their personal space.
Don’t try to sneak your way into the body-space bubble by offering a back rub. You aren’t fooling anyone and that sort of thing never gets you where you want to go.
By respecting the body-space bubble, you are respecting the other person.
Social Powergaming Benefits: When Dracula enters a house uninvited, all of his flaws can be used against him. Likewise, if you violate a body-space bubble, every flaw you have will become apparent. Do not enter the body-space bubble until you are invited to do so or all is lost.
Rule #3: Look for Negative Body Language.
Body language will tell you if the other person is interested in you. We’re all programmed biologically to send off clues to potential mates. [Again, see Rule #1]
If the object of your intentions is standing with her arms crossed, she’s not interested in you. That is her lowering the booty gates. She or he feels the need to be on the defensive because you are making them uncomfortable.
If she’s not looking directly into your eyes or face, she’s uncomfortable talking to you because you are being That Guy.
Is she purposely turning her body away from you? That’s her polite way of saying, it isn’t going to happen.
Social Powergaming Benefits: The more random encounters you face, the more likely it is that you will find one with the treasure type you are seeking. If one person isn’t interested in you, it isn’t the end of the quest. Enjoy the social experience.
Rule #4: Allowing Retreating and Feints.
Sometimes, the object of your desire just isn’t interested, but doesn’t want to be rude. If that is the case, she will often make an excuse to cover a retreat.
If she is interested in you, she will offer a way for you to remain in each other’s company or a way for you to meet again.
It is acceptable to make a single suggestion of getting together later. Let her know which panel or party you plan on going to. In fact, it will give the object of your desire time to consider you. Or she might just be shy. But if she finds a reason not to meet with you and doesn’t come up with a counter suggest, she’s just not into you.
Otherwise, accept the situation and move on.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Politely accepting tactical retreats can be to your benefit. Remember that it takes a lot time to earn faction reputation points and just a few moments to lose it all.
There is equally a secondary benefit to gracefully accepting a rejection. If you prove yourself to be a worthy and mature person, your faction reputation can increase. As your reputation increases, you gain additional benefits from that faction including possible invitations to parties, third-party set-ups, and friendships.
Rule #5: Understanding Positive Body Language.
If the object of your desire is interested in you, she will let you know. Her body will be relaxed. Her torso will be pointed towards you. She may even be smiling or laughing. She will make eye contact with you. She might even invite you into her body-space bubble by offering you a hug or touching your forearm.
Watch for reflective body language. If your arms are crossed, she might also cross her arms, not out of hostility but out of matching your body language. Be aware of your own body language in this situation.
This isn’t a charge call. Don’t saddle up and trample over the possibilities. Enjoy the moment. This is a dance. Your partner will lead you to where she might wish to go.
Social Powergaming Benefits: If you understand the signals for spell casting, you can figure out what spell a wizard might throw at you. Likewise, if you study body language, you can figure out what you partner might be interested in and what she might throw at you.
Rule #6: Conversations For Dumbasses.
In the best of all possible worlds, you have found someone special and she is interested in you. You have used soap and smell nice. The pheromones are raging and you are feeling funny in your private parts.
You might be tempted to invite your new friend back to your room. Or worse, accept her offer to go back to her room.
This is a mistake.
First, you need to have a real conversation. You’ve already discussed your mutual appreciation of Draco/Harry fanfiction and the subtle slash of Optimus Prime and Megatron.
Now, it is time to discuss real life, boundaries, and relationships. Yes, you need to do this even if you have no intention of seeing this person after the convention. You don’t know what her expectations are.
Find out if your partner is in a relationship. The last thing you want to do is have a very large man burst into the room while you are in mid-coitus and then say “Hey! You never let me do that.”
Of course, that’s just a random example I completely made up. It never happened to me. And that guy never asked me if I was bi-sexual or into sharing.
You should find out if the object of your desire has unusual sexual interests. If you aren’t into flogging someone and pretend that you are, you will get very bored quickly and ruin the experience.
If nothing else, talking about sex is hot. Talking about sex with someone you plan to have sex with is even hotter.
Hint: If she’s wearing a collar, she might be in a special relationship with someone and expect you to ask permission to spend quality time with her from her Dom. This can be socially awkward, but it is better in this case to ask permission. If you can’t handle that, it is better to avoid the whole situation.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Talking to your potential partner adds +5 to your saving throw against STDs. In addition, always go into battle wearing your armor.
Rule #7: The Jaws of Defeat.
The biggest mistake that you can make is to let defeat get to you. You might not find someone that night, but it isn’t the end of the world. Enjoy the experience.
Getting drunk and weeping how no one will ever love you or touch your naughty bits is a sign that all of your potential partners will understand to mean that they should never-ever have sex with you.
Complaining that you can’t get laid tells others that you are completely undesirable and makes even your friends not want to be around you.
Pity fucks are a myth like unicorns.
Social Powergaming Benefits: Always keep your faction points in mind during social occasions. Remember, with the internet available, people remember shames much longer. Don’t be that guy that gets mention in livejournal.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 01:28 am (UTC)It took us two divorces and five or six years of near-misses to finally realize we've been madly in love from the first.
Well...actually she figured things out a little faster than I did.
Con love can work.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 04:22 pm (UTC)Not bad...
Date: 2008-04-28 07:34 pm (UTC)Re: Not bad...
Date: 2008-04-28 08:01 pm (UTC)Well played, sir.
Re: Not bad...
Date: 2008-04-28 08:03 pm (UTC)Here via
Re: Not bad...
Date: 2008-04-28 09:35 pm (UTC)Re: Not bad...
Date: 2008-04-29 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 09:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 09:50 pm (UTC)because you are being That Guy.Not a habitual con-goer, but I felt I should point out a couple things:
1) it's not necessarily anything you're doing yet; some women are shy (even at cons!) and not comfortable making eye contact in general
2) often she'll be tired, or waiting for a friend, or otherwise not really keen on talking to you for reasons that have nothing to do with you personally
Which is to say that it is important to pay attention to her body language. Just that you shouldn't necessarily take it personally. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 11:08 pm (UTC)Watch the body signals. Often I go to cons with my kid, and if a guy I meet there starts giving off the overt sexual signs in front of my kid, I'm not going to be comfortable. Instead do nice, intelligent chatting up during the day, chances are, if I'm at the con, I've booked a hotel room and will be there later on after I've put the kid to bed. Then you can break out the overt stuff and I'll be more inclined to let you know if I'm interested.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-28 10:16 pm (UTC)I loved your Social Powergaming Benefits. Nothing like a practical example to make a point come through :-)
Guide to Con Flirting
Date: 2008-04-28 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 12:01 am (UTC)Great post, but I particularly adore the way you phrase these =D
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 12:28 am (UTC)Haha oh yeah ...
Nice post. =)
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 07:41 am (UTC)DUDE. I've been wearing collars to cons for years and had no idea I was sending a message like that. :p
This whole thing has been sort of interesting for me. I'm pretty heavily involved in the anime convention scene in Australia (last year I was a staff member for three cons, each in different states) and while I've always known cons to be rather full of hook-ups, Aussie cons are so small I wonder how these things would go. Everybody knows everybody else at the cons I go to, and that's really not an exaggeration. A few years ago I hooked up with a girl on the Saturday night of a con and on the Sunday I was getting backslaps from a ton of people who weren't there.
I don't know how that's relevant, I just started babbling. But I guess it seems slightly odd to me that rules like this are necessary because at any of the cons I go to, you already know most people and if you don't know them yet, there's probably someone who'll introduce you.
(here from
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 08:46 am (UTC)And thank you from all the women who WOULD TOTALLY have let that guy get lucky if he had just showered/brushed his teeth/not spit while he was talking.
Because really? We want to hook up too! It's not like you're the only ones thinking about it!!
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 07:29 pm (UTC)(Here via
no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 03:30 am (UTC)It occurs to me how much this needs to be dispersed at large to the public. And how very socially retarded most boys I know are.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 07:30 am (UTC)People don't go for the grease on people. It's better on food.
However, this post? Is so awesome
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:08 am (UTC)Thank you kindly.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:12 am (UTC)Занятный блог
Date: 2011-06-06 04:18 am (UTC)Review This is my own
Date: 2011-11-12 11:44 pm (UTC)Благодарю за инфу
Date: 2012-01-31 02:02 am (UTC)Благодарю за блог
Date: 2012-02-17 07:59 am (UTC)